No buisiness like Monkey Buisiness
by Kenka
Summary: Rubi Malone, athlete, gunslinger, swords-woman, bounty-hunter, mercenary, mother to a green-eyed wizard... wait a minute. Harry Potter is adopted by Rubi Malone and is Harry Malone and out of control. Rated M for blood, guts, language and 'that,' Dumble and Weasley Bashing. enjoy.
1. A New Life

**A New Life  
**

**After James and Lily died that night and Harry was found on the doorstep of number four he was abandoned in the middle of London only to be found by a certain bad-ass gunslinger. And well... just read the bloody story.**

**Warning; Dark/Manipulative Dumbledore, Weasley Bashing, Dumbledore Bashing. Independent/Bad-ass Harry. Harry/Hermione pairing.**

**Disclaimer; Harry Potter belongs to Rowling while Rubi Malone belongs to WET and WET belongs to... ah who gives a shit (I can't remember who, can someone please tell me?)**

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Vernon Dursley was not having a good morning, not only had his wife woken him up at the crack of dawn, he had found out that his freak sister-in-law had gotten her fool self killed and left them with her brat. Well, he and Petunia will have none of it, there will be no freaks in his house as long as he had a say in the matter, no matter what this crackpot Dumble-something-or-other said in his letter.

The little bastard in question was still in the basket he was dropped off in, settled in the back seat, he hadn't cried after he was through with him, a little discipline works a lot better then a little coddling. He decided that an orphanage was too good for one of _their_ lot and London was not crowded at this time of day, he will leave the little wretch in an alley somewhere and that will be that.

X-Midday-X

Rubi Malone hated London, in fact she hated England for that matter, honestly don't these have any imagination, for fuck's sake the still call pool 'billiards' and instead of baseball they have something even more boring; 'cricket.' _Nobody_ understands cricket, you've got to know what a crumpet is in order to understand cricket. And the less said about the food the better.

She was about to pass by an alley when she felt something, a sixth sense she developed in her years as a bad-ass, bounty-hunting, mercenary started to blare in her head, she carefully reached under her trench-coat that hid her 'accessories' and gripped the handle of her custom-made gun. She quietly stalked down the narrow gap between the buildings, resisting the urge to cover her nose, another thing she hates about the city, the smell.

None of the pedestrians gave her a second glance as they thought she was out-of-sorts walking down a filthy place like that, but she was okay with it, her attention was focused on finding whatever it was that caused her 'spidy-sense' to tingle. Then she heard it, faint but to her trained ears she heard it loud and clear, a quiet, muffled, whimpering noise. She looked in the direction of where it was coming from and spotted a dumpster on the other side of a chain link fence that divided the alley. She smirked, with her monkey like dexterity she jumped onto a garbage can, ran three feet up the wall, then grabbing hold of the top of the fence, flipped vertically over it and landed gracefully on the ground.

The dumpster was rusted and smelled of a dead cat, so the chances of the noise being a rat pretty high. That was until she heard a noise that didn't sound like a rat, curious she tried to open the dumpster lid but then saw it was locked with a padlock. Now the situation was very strange, she took out her gun and aimed it at the padlock, then she remembered that she was in the middle of a city in the daytime, so instead she flipped the gun around and broke off the lock by slamming the butt down hard on it.

She lifted up the lid and she usual, cold, bad-ass demeanor that she was able to hold in any giving situation, broke in shock. In the bottom of the disgusting dumpster was a baby, it couldn't be more then a year old, it had a tuft of jet-black hair, and the blankets it was in were covered in filth. She quickly holstered her gun, bent over and scooped up the infant in her arms, it looked at her in confusion before tiredly leaning on her shoulder, she saw that the child had remarkably green eyes and looked and felt a bit on the small side. She was not the maternal sort so she could critique on the infant's size and behavior, but she did see a letter fall out of the fold of the blanket. She quickly picket it up wondering why someone would simply, and literally toss the baby away. The letter was in green ink on what could only be parchment.

_**Dear Petunia Dursley;**_

_** It is with deepest regret that I have to inform you of the death of your sister and brother-in-law, Lily and James Potter. They were murdered last night on Halloween defending their only son; Harry James Potter, your Nephew. I know that this will be a major inconvenience to you and your family knowing of your mid-evil attitude towards magic, but I need him to be prepared for what is to be his destiny; to fight and die for the Greater Good, to that end you may do whatever you wish to him as long as he stays alive and in your care.**_

_** I am fully prepared to pay you with a generous sum of twenty-thousand pounds each year to keep Harry under your charge until he turns eleven, then I shall assume guardianship as his Headmaster, however he will have to return every summer to recharge to Blood-wards that will be set upon you giving him house-room, even if it is only a cupboard.**_

_** Sincerely yours:**_

_** Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.**_

With every line Jade scanned the redder her vision got, the only times when she felt this way was when she was in her berserker mode. That, god-damned-mother-fucking-child-molesting-son-of-a-bitch was willing to sacrifice the life of a child for this '_Greater Good._' As simple as that? As a mercenary she worked in the underground world, and had met her share of strange things, so magic was nothing new to her, a couple of payments she received were from the American Auror office when she killed most wanted wizard felons. Oh yes, she knew about the magical world, and has heard about this Dumbledore, the supposed Leader of the Light. Bullshit, a rapist on death-row is more of a Leader of the Light then this bastard.

She had been on jobs throughout America, Europe, and Asia, whenever those jobs got within wizard territory she had overheard things in the darker circles, whispers and conversations of a less then savory nature. During World War 2, Dumbledore fought head to head with Gellert Grindelwald on the surface, but his methods were highly questionable as no-one knew how he managed to extract information from his most die-hard followers. Also there was evidence of dealings with the Russian Dictator Joseph Stalin, in order to assure an alliance with the Russian wizards. But the most interesting thing was that Dumbledore and Grindelwald where comrades, friends before some sort of disagreement sparked a rivalry between them.

All-in-all Rubi Malone believed Dumbledore to be a bastard-coated-bastard with bastard-cream filling. She looked at the baby, Harry, and just imagined what his future would've been like,growing up in a hateful environment, only to be lied to and used like a sacrificial lamb as he grew-up. A part of her stirred, some strange maternal instinct had awakened in her heart. She carefully extracted the child out of that filthy blanket and tossed it to the floor and shoved the letter into her pocket. _'Fuck the Greater Good bullshit,'_ she thought to herself, _'If that old goat-sucker thinks he can fuck with people's lives he has got another thing coming.'_

As she walked out into the streets of London she failed to notice a ghostly figure with long red hair and green eyes smiling sadly at the pair of them, she bowed her head in farewell, "Thank you."

X-Dumbledore's Office-X

The Headmaster of Hogwarts patted himself on the back for a job well done, the prophecy was in motion, now nothing could stop it, the boy will be raised with those hateful people and come to Hogwarts abused and broken, ready to mold into the perfect weapon ready to give his life for the Greater Good. Of coarse it will be unfortunate for the last heir of the House of Potter to die, but if everything works as it should the Weasley girl, Ginny, be believed her name was will bear his child to continue the line. Molly had been most agreeable, the inheritance will support her family for generations to come, she will groom her daughter to become the perfect wife for the boy. Plus it will help for the girl to have red hair, the classic Oedipus complex. He chuckled at the thought of it.

The phoenix sadly shook his head, bound as he was against his will, he could do nothing to help the child. His birth was felt by all the fey creatures of great power, like the tumbling of a small stone that will create an avalanche, a turn of the tides. Tears that rarely fell from the eyes of the firebird fell freely as it wept for the pain that the boy will suffer. Then he felt it a rumble in the powers-that-be something wonderful has happened. The wind was rejoicing and he could feel the trees in the Forbidden Forest dancing with unsuppressed mirth. And Fawkes could feel his heart lift and he burst out in to song as a wonderful melody of light and wonder coursed through the powers-that-be;

_**'Oh child of my heart,  
Born of a never ending dream.  
You were cradled in light,  
Bathed in an ever flowing stream.**_

**_Flourish and grow,_**  
**_my mystical world._**  
**_Here you will ever belong._**  
**_Son of my yearning,_**  
**_Daughter of hope._**  
**_Beautiful child of my song._**

**_Although storms may descend,_**  
**_Mountain and valley may quake._**  
**_For the days that remain,_**  
**_This is the promise I make._**  
**_No shadow fall across this land,_**  
**_Before the wind and fire I stand,_**  
**_And you my child will know no harm,_**  
**_Enfolded in my arms,_**

**_Forest of Light_**

**_Garden of wonder_**  
**_Haven of sun_**  
**_Forest of light_**  
**_Child of my heart.'_**

By the end of his song he was surrounded by fire that did not burn him, it radiated joy, hope, life, love, laughter, the summer after the cold of winter everything that the phoenix embodied in its small frame.

The old warlock looked at his 'pet' amused, he had never heard it sing like that ever, even though he couldn't understand it's language he did understand enough to know that something very good has happened. He grinned to himself, his plan must be going perfectly.

Little did he know that his planes, twisted as they were, had inadvertently put the Child-of-Destiny on the path to become the greatest Warrior of the Light the Wizarding World has ever seen. '_**Not to mention the greatest bad-ass with no respect for authority.'**_ the phoenix thought smugly, _**'Soon, old man you will learn not to fuck with the powers-that-be.'**_ Fawkes looked out the window, _**''Purpose will guide him, need shall drive him, the dark will fear him, the light will empower him and only-one shall tame him.' and the one to tame him will have her work cut out for her, good luck Hermione Granger.'**_

X-Rubi's Hotel Room-X

Rubi was pacing around wringing her hands, she was stumped, on one hand she could just drop the kid off at an orphanage, surely it was a better fate then what the old man had planned for him, at least in the system he had a decent chance of finding a loving family. But on the other hand, she was talking about the most powerful wizard in Europe, little Harry won't be safe for three days before the bastard tracked him down. Quickly she looked back the sleeping baby, thankfully as a girl she had taken babysitting duties so she knew how to handle them well enough. He did look a little bit like her with the black hair and the green eyes, it would be easy to simply take him with her back to Texas. Without adopting him here in London, she could have Ming draw up some documents and have it done on the D.L., that way there won't be a paper-trail for the old manipulator to follow her to America and into her backyard.

She growled and shook her head, she wasn't the motherly type, she enjoys being by herself and a stiff belt, she hates people who exploit her and she does not know where the line between that and the needs of a child is drawn, "Fuck it all to hell!" she kicked her suitcase, causing harry to wake up and start crying.

As if out of reflex, she went over to him and picked him up, bouncing him gently, the boy calmed down and looked at her with those beautiful green eyes, her resolve simply cracked. "Alright, alright, you little bastard, just remember you asked for it, Harry James Malone."

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**And cut, that was the first Chapter of my first Harry Potter fanfic, so what do you think like it, hate it? Positive reinforcement might cause me to write more, but I am also writing three other fanfictions so updates might take a while.**

**The Song was from the Lord of the Rings Musical look it up on youtube. I don't own it.**

**So review me, go on push the button, it's right there just push it.**

**JUST PUSH THE -bleep-ING BUTTON! **


	2. Wanted Harry Potter?

**Disclaimer; Harry Potter belongs to Rowling while Rubi Malone belongs to WET and WET belongs to Bethesda.**

**This is essentially a time-skip filler chapter that covers the next six years. Will include scenes focusing on Dumbledore, and of course the Malones in the Boneyard Hideout.**

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**Wanted; Harry Potter?  
**

**Age; three.**

_Dumbledore's office_

The aged wizard was furious, not only had the Dursley's not taken in the boy, they had in fact _abandoned_ him in the middle of London. He had expected abuse, practical enslavement even, but this, this puts a wrench in his grand schemes. It was all perfect, all laid out, every possible outcome and misadventure cataloged, the dominoes were set and ready but now the brat is _missing_. He had raised hell at the Ministry, every Auror not on assignment was coming the orphanages from Scotland to Whales, he even pulled strings to expand the search to Ireland and France, even Breton, but the manhunt was continually pulling up one dead end after another.

Dumbledore looked over at one of his odd contraptions on the shelves, one that was tuned to Harry's life-force and saw that it was still active, if the boy was dead it would stop emitting puffs of smoke, but it was active like a chimney at Christmastime. Not only was the boy alive, he was _thriving _as a happy young boy under loving care, this will not do, he cannot grow up to be independent as all teenagers do, he needs to be blindly loyal to him and him alone.

The fireplace was filled with emerald fire and a gnarled man with a strange eye stepped out, leaning slightly on his walking-stick. "Any news, Alaster?" Dumbledore asked hopefully, reverting back into his mask of a kindly grandfather.

"Ahh, I'm sorry, Albus, but no, whoever took the boy in knew what they were doing, not even a paper-trail, most likely he was taken out of the country. That or taken in without legally being adopted, it happens sometimes." the old Auror replied, he hated having to report failure, during his tenure as head of the Auror office during the war. he was legendary in his prowess at bringing fugitives to justice, but this just led him on so many wild goose-chases he was tasting tail-feathers. He took a swig from his hip-flask, before offering some to Dumbledore.

"No thank you, Alaster, I do appreciate your trying, but please keep the search up, we owe it to Lily and James to keep their son safe."

The Auror nodded solemnly, "Aye, we can't let their sacrifice be in vain."

_Boneyard Hideout, Texas_

_'Just remember you asked for it, Harry James Malone.'_ Rubi reminisced briefly, she shook her head at the memory, more like _she_ asked for it, the little spitfire had more energy in him then a nuclear reactor. When she first got Harry out to America via Milo and his resourcefulness in providing a few minor 'adjustments' to her passport, and procuring a false birth certificate for Harry, making his birthday on the ninth of June, she was able to smuggle him out of the country.

Milo almost lost his life and worse-his manhood-when he asked if she 'narrowed down who the papa was.' Long story made short, Rubi can really make a guy dance via her guns.

Luckily, Harry was pretty quiet during the trip home, and didn't cause too much of a fuss, unfortunately, for Rubi, she had to give up drinking, the chances of a social worker showing up in the middle of nowhere to check on a child that doesn't even have a record that was smuggled illegally into the United States are non-existent but she needed to keep _all _her wits about her. If there is one thing that she remembers from her babysitting days it is that those little monsters can get into all sorts of things, dirty laundry, under tables, under your feet, into the ammo, get stung by a scorpion, that hasn't happened yet, thank God, but it's only a matter of time before the little tyke proves himself to be a heap of trouble.

When Harry turned two, she didn't know his real birthday so she just made it June ninth like it was on the phony birth-certificate, she noticed that Harry had quite excellent hand-eye coordination for is age, well-above average to be exact. She tested him by lightly tossing quarters at him, making a game out of it, he couldn't catch them properly because his motor skills aren't fully developed, but they always made contact with his palms whenever he tried. Harry loved the little games he played with his 'mama,' the coin game was fun as was the stick game. Rubi tested out his reflexes in a little mock sword-fight using padded sticks, his reactions were often clumsy and he mostly ended up falling on his duff, but Rubi once again saw that he once again had rather impressive reflexes for a two year old.

Rubi then reread the letter that bastard had written to Harry's _aunt_, she used the term lightly, and read between the lines, she deduced that Dumbledore wanted Harry to be a broken boy with no hope or love. The past year had changed her drastically, she had no emotional attachments beyond friendship until Harry came into her life, when he first called her 'Mama,' she was shocked and well as deliriously happy, over time she began to see the boy as her own. The result created a powerful emotion whenever she taught of the like he almost had, she felt a fierce fire inflame her heart, and a strong desire to protect her _son._

If Dumbledore wants to play games, well, lets play.

**Age; five.**

_Dumbledore's office_

It has been four years and Dumbledore has not given up in his plans to get Harry Potter back under his control, even though he has not found the boy yet he has given the 'go-ahead' for Molly Weasley to start grooming her daughter to become the next Mrs. Potter. However they had to be discreet, Arther Weasley, the patriarch of the clan, has adopted a muggle-like attitude towards marriage-contracts, thanks to the late Lily Potter, who was more then happy to describe the _fascinating_ ways of day-to-day muggle life to the ever-so-curious Pure-blood wizard. If Arther ever found out about the contract or worse, his plans for the boy, it would set him back severely. He needs the full support of the Weasley clan, for them to play the vital role of being a surrogate family to young Harry.

Minerva McGonagall was livid with Dumbledore for the past four years for ignoring her warning of how bad the Dursleys were. The only reason she stayed in Hogwarts was because she felt needed, she can't just up and leave the post she has served with a glad heart for half her life. And now she was standing before the Headmaster, a little irked at being interrupted in the middle of grading test papers.

"What do you want, Professor?" she asked in her usual brisk tone.

"My dear Minerva, why can't you call me 'Albus' like you used to." The old warlock said, the twinkle in his eyes shining kindly.

"Only when you change your mind about sending little Harry back to those horrid people when he turns up, they have proved themselves unworthy to raise a house-cat much less Lily's son." she was always fond of Lily Evens, everyone was, she was the favorite of the staff even Binns, it also helped that she was the only one to keep James and his cohorts from going too far out of line. Oh, she was a strong Celtic witch.

**A.N. Red heir is unique to the Celts, Norsemen that had red hair have Celtic blood in them, and Celts with blues eyes and blond hair have Norse blood in them. Historical fact.**

Dumbledore sighed, "Minerva, the blood-wards around their hou-"

"Oh, don't give me any of that 'blood-ward' shit, the never took him in so the wards are null and void."

"They will take him in this time, I have made sure of it."

"You blithering idiot! Hasn't it accrued to you that maybe Harry already has a loving family and wouldn't want to go to live with them." the Scottish witch snapped.

"Every child would want to know about his biological family if he was adopted, why would he pass up the chance to get to know his relatives?"

"And I am Robert the Bruce." she rolled her eyes, "What did you want to speak to me about again, Professor?"

Dumbledore leaned forward onto his desk. "Yes, I recall that you objected to Harry living at Privet Drive when we first arrived, I'm sorry for being the suspicious type but-"

"Do you honestly think I have him," Minerva's Irish was up, and her patience was thin. "I am only home during the summer do you really think he is there, even if I did bring him with me to Hogwarts just where to you think I would hid him, in my skirt? An empty classroom? The kitchens? Maybe you just have to wake up and except the fact that you can't control everything!" with that she stormed out of the Headmasters office, with a small smile on her face, _'James, you would be so proud of your son, he has caused more trouble for Dumbledore then you have ever achieved.'_

_Boneyard Hideout, Texas_

Rubi's schedule was right on track, Harry had just begun the basics of swordsmanship with the Chinese Miao dou sword, and is learning the basics of her free-running methods and gymnastics. She knew very little about teaching theory and other such things, so again she made a game out of training, she called it _'Monkey See, Monkey Do.'_ the game was that she would do something and Harry would try and imitate her. Whether it is running through the simple obstacle course that she had designed for him, sword forms, or practicing with fake guns. She was very pleased with the progress Harry had made so far, he was naturally light and speedy so the acrobatics came to him as second nature, unfortunately a side-effect of the game _'Monkey See, Monkey Do,' _was that Harry started to show sings of Rubi's bad-ass attitude, so she had to keep her guard up around Harry as not to corrupt him any further, the little ball of energy was already a handful enough as it was.

It wasn't until Harry started to show signs of accidental magic that she faced a dilemma, yes she could train his mind, teach him reading, writing and arithmetic, along with the other school subjects via a home-school program and of course train his body, but this was, she hated to admit it, out of her league. Fuck the league, it was way out of the _ballpark._

As a top-notch Fixer, Rubi had quite a few contacts in Magical America, she has become quite the rising legend to the Auror-Forces and within the Underworld, the Magical America underground, she was one of the _Ragnarök. _A group of the top five most dangerous bounty hunters and mercenaries responsible for the destruction of the Brethren, a Wizarding terrorist organization, similar to the Death Eaters of Europe, but without the clichés.

She was the only AnaCaste, non-magical person, in _Ragnarök _ but she knew of one who might be able to help, Dustin, a fellow gunslinger and a gifted caster in the more _natural_ ways of magic, his mother was the daughter of a Native American medicine man, a gifted seer no less, who unlike those in Europe know how to channel the gift. It is a long-shot but it just might work, if it does pay off then Harry will be an even more formidable force.

**Age; seven.**

_Hogwarts' dungeons_

"Severus, have you heard anything about Harry yet?"

The greasy haired potions master rolled his eyes in exasperation, "As I have already told you Headmaster, no-one has seen hide-nor-hair of him, I even leaned on Lucius who knows less then I do." Snape, being a reformed Death Eater, had contacts at his disposal that not even Dumbledore himself can utilize, which made him very valuable to the old warlock.

"Please keep trying, won't you, Severus?"

Snape _rarely _gets frustrated, yes, he will torment non-Slytherin students, but that was only a release for him, a fun past-time, but when he is pestered for six years nonstop about the same thing _'where is Harry Potter?'_ the Occlumancer can get... ticked. But this time around he did have a theory that was so simple he was surprised the Order of Merlin First class, chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, head of the ICW hasn't thought of it before. "Sir, it is possible that we haven't been looking in the right places, or for that matter the right _continent._"

The look on the old man's face was reward enough, the shock and recognition of his own hindsight was pure Kodak, as the muggles would say. "Where, Severus?"

"If I were to hazard a guess, America, North America."

Dumbledore furrowed his brow, the American Wizarding government was not a part of the ICW, as the American wizards still exert their independence from Great Britain, they have no blood-bigotry and view the English wizards as racists and extremists. This, along with many other things has created a wide rift between the two nations, namely that America is full of wizards or descendants of wizards who came to the States to escape the social abuse of being inferior to Pure-bloods, and they like to stay that way. Only a hand-full of the Pure-blood lines live in America and even they are 'diluted' with muggle blood; the Winchesters, MacArthurs, Cambells, Adams, Remingtons, even the O'Neills, a line that goes all the way back to the times of mythic Ireland and beyond.

What is even worse is that America is a very big place, roughly the size of China, a good place to stay hidden, and as good as any to start a search.

_Somewhere in Nevada _

It took Rubi a year to track down Dustin, the reclusive bounty hunter lived in some god-forsaken part of the Nevada desert with a small tribe of his mother's people, who were more gifted then most in the ways of the Great Spirit. A half-breed, he took a lot of flack during his childhood, but eventually proved himself a great warrior, and gained the trust and respect of his people. Their skill with the Great Spirit allowed them to make an oasis in the middle of all the sand and dust, no outsider could approach without the permission of the Medicine Man, a shaman of great power who by their ways is the chief of their little secluded nation.

The only reason she was able to find him, and this pissed her off to no limits, was because the chief wanted her to find them. No question this was a major blow to her pride as a professional Fixer, but as a mother who needs to help her child she was okay with it.

Rubi felt naked without her guns and sword, but as a guest and outsider that has yet to prove her worth, she had to relinquish them in order to enter the village. Rubi sat in a sweat lodge with Dustin dressed only in light jeans and moccasins with a necklace made of bone and turquoise beads, and segmented with five bear claws, his hair was typical of his Indian heritage; crow-black and hung in a tail down his back one free lock of hair was ordained with tribal beads of eagle feathers. His face was hard and appeared serious, with his high-cheek bones and tanned skin, his father's heritage was shown by the five o'clock shadow that adorned his jawline and his cobalt-blue eyes. Harry, who is six, was with her on this adventure as she didn't want to leave him alone in the Hideout and she doesn't trust anyone with her baby, he was dressed in light camouflaged pants and a white t-shirt, a white bandanna was on his forehead covering his scar. He wore trainers instead of sandals because rule one of the desert dress code; cover your feet in-case of snakes and scorpions.

"You are truly unpredictable, Rubi, last time I saw you you didn't strike me as the type to want kids."

"Times change, Dustin, and I need you to help me train him." Rubi Malone was not one to dilly dally over small talk, she likes to get down to brass tacks, or knuckles as the case may be.

Dustin looked rather amused, "Really? What can I teach him that you can't, you are athletically superior to me, and a better sword fighter, you are tenacious enough not to really need my help." Dustin looked over at the boy who was playing around the fences, well more like doing gymnastics around the fences, then he sensed the reason why the Fixer wanted him to train the boy. "I see, a caster."

'Caster' is the modern American term for 'wizard' which sounds more like a separate race of people, another difference between the two continents. Dustin had no love for the governments of Wizarding Europe for their bigotry, not just to those who are _'muggleborn'_ but to every non European wizard.

"Yeah, a caster, and Harry Potter to boot." Rubi knew one thing about this man's personality; he hates lies and half-truths, if she wants his help then she had best come forward with the whole enchilada instead with only a piece of the pie.

"Potter?" Dustin's eyes snapped wide open, giving him the appearance of being slightly mad. "So that's where he has been hiding."

Rubi picked up on the comment immediately, "So the old goat-fucker is still looking for him." it was a statement not a question.

"Like a junkie after a fix."

The woman smirked at the half-breed Indian, "So what do you say, in or out?"

Dustin looked at Rubi Malone like she just announced that she was a happily-married woman with a luxury apartment and a Saturday night bridge club tournament. "You actually think that I would go against the most powerful wizard in all of Europe just to train a snot nosed brat who is in the country illegally, while all the while taking flack from the tribe elders for teaching an outsider?"

"Start Thursday?"

"Yes."

* * *

**And that's a wrap.**

**This just covers the first seven years of Harry's life to give all an idea of what he is learning.**

**The next Chapter will be a timeskip to when Harry is fifteen and has adopted his mother's bad-ass attitude.**


	3. Welcome to America

**Disclaimer; I don't own Harry Potter or WET, Rowling and Bethesda does.**

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_Age; fifteen._

Mundungus Fletcher scurried like a rat to the aged Headmaster completely out of breath, his addiction to smoking weakened his lungs so he can't run very far without gasping. The meeting at Number 12 Grimould Place the home of the Black family was in full swing and everyone looked at Mundungus irritated at both his late arrival and interruption.

"'bout time ye got here, dung," Moody growled, "stupid sneak-thief no sense of responsibility."

"Alastor," Dumbledore warned, he did not want any trouble among his Order members it was hard enough getting Sirius to play along with them he did not need to be mediator to another, "no need to play the blame game-"

"Dumbledore," the thief gasped, "I… found him, found… Harry." For a brief second Dumbledore didn't even react, his brain taking time to process the news, but Sirius's reaction was instantaneous; he jumped clear over the table with agility and flexibility thought lost to his Marauder days and grabbed the thief by his filthy jacket lapels

"Where?!" Sirius shouted his eyes shining like a madman's this was a lead he must not let go. "Where is he?!" he shook Mr. Fletcher like a Raggedy Andy doll. It took Remus and Shacklebolt to pry the dog animagus off him.

"Sirius," Dumbledore addressed the man, "I know how much you want to see your godson again, but please let Mundungus have a little peace while he tells us Harry's location." Dumbledore said with his best grandfatherly voice. It had some moderate effect, Sirius did not calm but he did restrain himself from jumping on the thief again.

"He's in Texas," Fletcher reported putting some distance between himself and the ex-convict, "whatever that is."

"It's a state you bumbling burglar." Moody growled, sometimes he wondered the quality of the thief's I.Q. because most times he doesn't have the smarts of a troll.

"He is in the Colonies!" shrieked an incredulous Molly Weasley her prejudice of the U.S.A. is well known as she considers them to be uncivilized and uncultivated.

"So Harry's a Texan," Charlie Weasley had on image of a black haired green eyed boy wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a checkered button up shirt and a cowboy hat on a ranch raising horses like he does with dragons, "cool." Unlike his mother he likes the Americans, well some of them. One of his partners on the reserve, well more than a partner, was from Nebraska and had introduced him to some of the finer things in American culture; home brewing, mussel cars, country music and blues, all through a T.V. show called The Dukes of Hazard.

"It is not 'cool' it's horrible, James's son the last of a decent and noble family, is living among those lazy, beer swilling, hillbilly, redneck bums!" Molly shouted at her son, Arthur tried to placate her but too late.

Charlie glared at his mother with a look that could turn milk into yogurt. "My fiancé is an American, so keep your prejudices to yourself." He snarled, shocking everyone in the room, no-one talked back to Molly Weasley.

"Your what?!" Mrs. Weasley demanded, not taking the news that her second son is engaged to a foreigner well.

Arthur held her back from drawing her wand "Molly don't judge her until you meet her, she works with Charlie on the reserve, she is a nice girl, and she taught me how 'areoplanes' stay up." He added as an afterthought but he was not helping, his wife held onto a lot of the old pureblood ways, she believed that her sons should marry into respectable pureblood families, she is already upset that her eldest is dating a vela half-breed but learning that her second oldest is engaged to an American, a _woman _who works on a dragon reserve non-the-less is five-times worse.

Molly snapped her head to her husband, "You knew?" Arthur shuddered he was in it now, "And you let him go out with some harlot? I wanted him to settle down with a decent pureblood witch but now he's run off with a Colonial slattern!"

A sound like a firecracker went off and a gag wrapped itself around Mrs. Weasley's mouth, covering the lower half of her face. Everyone looked at Charlie, whose wand was out and pointing at his mother, a look of cold fury blazed in his eyes, apparently the 'slattern' comment was the final straw. "If that is how you feel then to hell with you I'm done." He stormed out of the room and went upstairs to pack.

The room temperature dropped a little while there was an awkward silence until Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"A-hem. I think we strayed a little bit off topic." Only a handful of the people responded to him including Sirius and Remus, who nodded hesitantly.

"How did you find out where he is?" Remus asked the thief, he had been trying for years to locate little Harry with nothing to show for it so he was curious as to how Fletcher learned his whereabouts. Mundungus shifted nervously scratching his head and mumbled something that no-one could quite catch.

"Speak up!" Sirius barked, causing the intrepid thief to jump.

"I was around Galway talking to a friend, Milo, and he showed me a picture of friend's kid's birthday at a vintage automobile show." He pulled out a picture from his filthy jacket and handed it to the animagus. Sirius saw a fifteen year-old boy wearing cowboy boots, wrangler jeans, leather belt with a silver and turquoise buckle, tucked white t-shirt, and a native bead necklace. He was leaning against a midnight-blue 427 1967 Cobra with beige interior. The boy had messy black hair, a thin, athletic body and to the two marauders was almost a dead ringer for their dead friend James. The picture could not clarify weather or not the boy's eyes are green but this was the best lead yet. "After a few drinks he told me that the car was like the boy; British body, American motor. All I was able to get out of him after that was that the boy's name is Harry James Malone."

"Well then," Dumbledore rose up from his seat at the head of the table, "shall we go?"

_Boneyard Hideout_

Finding the state where Harry lived made it very easy to zero in on his location, the small group of British wizards walked through the entrance of the hideout and looked around with disgust, Sirius, Remus with interest, Moody and Tonks in appreciation, and Author in complete bliss.

"This place is a pigsty." Molly eyed everything around her like she wanted to sweep out all the wreckages and debris with vengeance.

Sirius was of a different opinion, "I don't know to me it looks a little organized."

"Right you are; great place to set an ambush." Moody muttered, admiring the strategic defensive layout of the Boneyard. A sound like a firework only louder burst through the hideout, Sirius having been a rebel in his younger days knew that to be the sound of a gunshot. Quickly it was followed by another. Moody's eye swiveled over in the direction of the sound, his wand drawn as were all the others'. They followed Moody towards the junked cargo plane, for a brief second Remus saw a tin can fly into the air right before another gunshot sounded a split second before the can changed direction in midair from being shot.

In the shade of the cargo plane which was called _Black Betty_ the teenager form the photo stood leaning against a workbench a revolver in his left hand and a tool in his right. He was dressed pretty much like he was in the photo save that he was shirtless. For a moment Tonks drooled at the sight of him before she remembered that he was a minor, still he has the body of any average man you would meet… in Greek mythology. The teen muttered something about the sight being off before he acknowledged their presence.

"Can I help yeah?" Molly nearly flinched, the boy's accent was American, seeing her future son-in-law dress like a colonial was bad enough but to hear it, the thought of her little girl marrying this boy started to repulse her but it will be done for the money.

Before Dumbledore could say anything Sirius stepped forward, "I'm Sirius Black, I'm looking for my godson, Harry James Potter." the marauder decided that it would be best to be straight forward with this boy and not beet around the bush.

The teen eyed the animagus and the rest of the party, "What do a bunch of Brits want with him?"

"We are here to…" Dumbledore started but was interrupted.

"I was speaking with Mr. Black, Mr. Almost Dumbdoor." The teen smirked while most of the Order members gasped at the insolence of the young American, Sirius knew that smirk; Lily used to do the same thing on the rare occasions when she would say or do something to get a rise out of someone.

"He is my godson; I was supposed to take care of him when his parents died, but I hadn't I just want to meet my godson again." Sirius did not want to say, 'I'm here to drag you back to England against your will.' Harry looked quite at home here from his body language, the boy considered his words for a minute then said.

"I haven't gone by the name Harry Potter since I was adopted, but I had a feeling you gents would show." He finished in a mock British accent that made Sirius smirk; at least he had a sense of humor. "What can I do for y'all?"

This time Dumbledore spoke first. "We are here to take you home, my dear boy." He said in his most grandfatherly voice.

Harry visibly flinched, "First off I am no-one's 'dear boy,'" he then muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'pedophile,' "and second; that would be a record-short trip as I am already home." He nonchalantly said as he twirled the gun once around and fired at the tin can that he shot before sending it flying across the yard. "Much better." He holstered the revolver in his gun-belt.

"Harry, my boy," Dumbledore gently pressed on, "would you please hand over those things, a child should not be playing with something so violent."

Harry glared at the headmaster before whipping his gun out of the holster and fired at albus's feet, the old man jumped back as did the rest of the group. Everybody save Sirius and Remus started to train their wands on Harry before Moody barked "Halt!" his magical eye pointing at the old man's feet. Right where Dumbledore once stood were the remains of a rather large black scorpion.

"I don't 'play' with guns, and I'm not 'your boy,' call me that again and I'll shoot you like a dog for trespassing." Harry snarled.

But Dumbledore was not one to be told what to do, he flourished his wand at Harry and quickly bound him in ropes, not hearing the protests of several of his members he rushed over to Harry and grabbing his arm tried to apparate. Before the old man could react Harry somehow vanished the ropes and pulling out a knife slashed at Dumbledore's arm drawing blood. With an amazing display of athletic ability Harry kicked him away using his momentum to rise into a handstand and land in a kneeling position with not one but _two_ revolvers drawn, one pointing at Dumbledore and the other pointing at the group of Order members.

"Like I said, I had a feeling y'all would show," he grinned wolfishly, "welcome to America."

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**There you go, sorry it has been a while since I updated but I was swamped and I hit a snag in writing this chapter. I had to take a break to regroup, same for my other stories. Well please tell me what you all think.**


	4. Embarrassing Showdown

**Disclaimer; I don't own Harry Potter or WET. (God, I hate writing that every time.)**

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Harry eyed the trespassers with contempt, these clowns think they can just waltz in here and take him? Well, he smirked, they just landed themselves a whole heap of trouble. He kept one of his guns trained on the ancient pedophile while he addressed the crowed. "I don't know how things work in merry ole England, but here we have the right to defend ourselves from trespassers, kidnappers and…" he nodded his head over at Dumbledore, "pedophiles."

Sirius and Remus wanted to rip out the headmaster's throat, this was supposed to be a peaceful negotiation, the two Marauders had no wish to force Harry to do anything but now thanks to Dumbledore the line of communication was broken. "Harry," Remus started, "please w-we didn't know-"

But he was cut off by Molly Weasley and her banshee imitation. "You insolent little brat! How dare attack Albus Dumbledore, he is the Leader of Light he deserves your respect! You will come home with us right now and I will teach you how to be a proper young man, you Colonial Rat!" she ranted before her husband put a hand over her mouth, but it was too late.

"'Colonial Rat'?" Harry cocked his head to the side a dangerous fire in his eyes, "Those are some mighty big words coming from an inbred bigot bitch." He snarled. Remus was now sweating bullets; Molly just had to bring in the animosity between the two nations. Moody held his wand at the ready; American Wizards are known for their shoot first attitude. Their hate for the British, more accurately the English, stems from the fact that their versions of the Founding Fathers were muggleborns that stood in defiance of the occupation in the Colonies after years of being treated like virtual slaves with little to no rights. In the minds of the American Wizards the War of Independence is not over.

Without dropping his guns Harry stood up and took a few steps back, "Well it looks like we have ourselves a standoff." Then something clicked in the boy's mind, "Y'all are here illegally aren't yeah?" the twitch in Dumbledore's eyebrow was conformation enough. "Oh, Dumbdoor, are you in trouble, they will put you under the jail for this; entering the country illegally, trespassing, attempted kidnapping, along with smuggling people into the States. You'll be doing time after your dead."

"Harry, it's for the Greater Good you come back with us." Dumbledore was a little irritated at the deliberate mispronunciation of his name, but he hoped to get the boy to be more open-minded, _'This wouldn't have happened if that fool muggle took the brat in.'_ he thought, _'When I get Harry back to those muggles I'll bind him there and make sure they break him.'_

"How can I say this delicately; I don't give a flying fuck about your 'Greater Good.'"

"Watch your mouth young man or I'll jinx it shut!" Molly screeched.

Dumbledore tried another tactic, "Harry did you know that Ms. Malone is not your real mother?" he smiled sadly as if this is terrible news, "She kidnapped you, she lied to you, we want you to get to know your real family, the people who care."

Harry gave Dumbledore a deadpan look, "She told me _everything_ when I was _ten,_ and for your information; I wasn't kidnapped, I was abandoned in a dumpster, Rubi Malone, my _mother_ saved me."

"WHAT?!" Sirius bellowed, he turned to Dumbledore who looked like a deer caught in the headlights, "HE WAS WHAT?!"

Dumbledore tried to regain his footing, "Harry you should not lie."

"Shows what you know." Harry snarled. "Now I suggest y'all leave before this place turns into one big Dodge City cliché'." He cocked back the hammers on his guns and sets of runes started to glow red along the barrels. Remus's hackles rose up, his inner wolf was telling to scram while Tonks who grew up with plenty of muggle influence including the modern entertainment of video-gaming recognized a charged-up super-shot when she saw it.

Unfortunately Dumbledore was arrogant enough to point his wand and cast a disarming charm at Harry. In a swift move Harry spun around narrowly avoiding the spell and fired both shots at Dumbledore, who raised a powerful shield charm. The explosion resulted from the magically charged bullets impacting the shield was like two grenades going off, the shockwave created a cloud of dust that obscured everyone's view of Harry and Albus. When the dust cleared due to a wave of Dumbledore's wand, there was a massive crater that surrounded Dumbledore, the wizard himself looked like he was dragged through a chimney, the blast was strong enough to break his glasses and his beard lost a few inches and was smoldering.

_With Harry_

It was a good thing Harry knew how to _tesseract_ (1) or that would have turned nasty, Harry smirked to himself as he stood atop the water tower looking down at the Order group.

"Amazing what a little Geometry can to when applied to Arithmancy." He muttered, the word or term _tesseract_ refers to a geographical shape that resembles the fourth dimension; space. Tesser for short.

"Hmmm." Harry rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "Just how did they get in America?" he muttered, "Stupid budget cuts, if they want to save money pass a law on having more then one car." Just because Harry is an American raised citizen doesn't make him a patriot, he despises politicians and thinks America is in need to take a long hard look at itself. But he did love this land, especially this little corner that looked like an abandoned airport, junkyard and several gas-stations all rolled in one. So one could understand why he is P.O.B.A.R. (Pissed-Off-Beyond-All-Reason)

His cell phone rang, a mariachi solo tune, grunting Harry picked up, "Yeah?... Hey Jake s'up?... Oh, sorry to hear that… hey if it's any consolation she did not know what she had…" Harry saw one of the Order members, the gnarled one point in his direction how the hell could he see him so easily? "Uh Jake now is a bad time call yeah later." Harry hung up as he dodged a red spell from the redhead bigot.

_With the Order._

Molly fired the stunning spell before Sirius could stop her, but it was Remus who bound her with ropes and tied her to a rusty shell of a jeep. "You stupid bitch!" Sirius was once again being restrained but this time by Author and Shacklebolt, Tonks had sneaked away his wand for safety measures. Moody glared at the woman with his normal eye while his other eye started to spin around to locate Harry in the junkyard, it is a good place to hide. The thing that interested him however was the nonchalant way Harry was talking on his muggle communication device while keeping an eye on them like they weren't a threat. At first he took it as a sign of arrogance but when Molly tried to stun him, the boy's reaction was beyond his expectations; he did not panic but avoided the spell just by stepping to the side then he proceeded to disappear, those kinds of reflexes are the kind you see when someone has been trained.

"Impressive," Moody muttered, "most impressive." Tonks nearly fainted, getting a compliment out of Moody was on par with Sirius and Snape getting along, it doesn't happen. "He has constant vigilance."

Shacklebolt, the less experienced Auror was none the less a calm and collected individual, he was silently apposed to coming here _en mass_ as he had no idea what the boy's reaction would be but he knew a calm head was needed. He had heard that the American's have a deep seated grudge for the English wizards, in more particular the Ministry and their old-fashioned lust for power and control. It was not something that he was proud of, hell the law of equal rights for wizards with black skin was passed when he was wondering if he could get into Hogwarts, their Ministry was seriously behind the times. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he let Sirius break his grip and run for Dumbledore in a mad rush.

"What the hell were you thinking Albus!" Sirius grabbed the old man by the folds of his robes and slamming him against an old shipping container glared at his with such ferocity that his animal side was showing. "You fucking geezer, I finally found him and now you fucking chase him away!"

"Will you for Christ's sake keep your voice down!? The devil is trying to sleep?" Harry appeared next to Dumbledore with one of his revolvers aimed at his head at point-blank range. "Any of you get cute and I ventilate him, _comprende?_" the Order members were stunned this boy got the drop on them, more particularly on Dumbledore. But this time he had a Chinese sword in his right hand, quite a beautiful piece to, and something told Sirius that he knew how to use it.

"Harry my boy-"

"I'm talking now, gramps." Harry snarled, "You know for a guy I just met you really love to push my buttons, you waltz in here like little princesses to the Queen's Ball, try to kidnap me, insult my mother and attack me. What I can not figure is how you all got over the borders, please enlighten me."

Sirius had to admit that Harry's got nerve, and brains, he would have to meet his 'mother' one day, scratch that he's _got_ to meet her.

"It's not important how we got here, my boy-" Dumbledore was cut off by the sound of a gunshot, Harry didn't shot him but the blast was so close to the old man's ear that sound really was _deafening _chances are that he lost a chunk of his hearing. The so-called leader of light fell to his knees clutching his ears a look of pain twisting his face.

"Give me a straight answer," he looked at the assembled crowed and pointed his sword at the gnarled looking fellow. "you, how did you all find me?"

Moody cautiously regarded the boy before him he knew that tone, he had heard it before from himself when he got very serious, as much as he resented the boy for most likely deafening Dumbledore he could not help but respect him, how he took control of the situation so efficiently. Personally Moody would like to learn how the boy apparated without the telltale *_crack*,_ it would be most useful when ambushing Death Eaters."Dung here," he jerked his thumb over at a man who Harry didn't see before, dressed in ratty cloths and a filthy looking wool coat, to Harry he looked like the stereotypical English street thief, "has a drinking buddy that's a mutual acquaintance of yours, he had a photo of you at an automobile show."

"Milo." Harry growled, the next time he sees that big-mouth Irishman he is going to _rip-off_ his mutton chops. "Damn asshole, can't keep his fat mouth shut."

Moody continued, "As to how we got over here, Dumbledore used his phoenix to transport us here from the motherland."

"A fire-bird? This lying, manipulative, sack of shit has a fire-bird?" he gestured his gun at the old man, something is wrong here very wrong indeed, fire-birds or phoenixes, are free spirits, they would only ally themselves with holy men, like sages, hermits, seers or healers, but this guy? Harry looked at the headmaster who is still clutching his ears, his robes are defiantly finery, he had money to throw around and he tried to kidnap a boy, this was no candidate for a phoenix bond.

With a flourish he brought his dao sword to Dumbledore's throat, forcing him to rise to his feet. "Leave this place, return and I will kill you." He then proceeded to use his magic to lift the old man into the air and throw him to the Order members. Remus proceeded to untie the red-head banshee from the post but kept her gagged, the young auror Tonks along with Shacklebolt and Moody grudgingly accepted that Harry has the upper hand. And he was right what they are doing is illegal, if they proceeded they would cause an international incident between two countries caught in a stare-down. Author felt like a fifth wheel as he hardly done anything but look at the plane parts around him and almost tinker with a rusted jeep that caught his interest.

Remus and Sirius looked very reluctant to leave especially Sirius, who had just found his godson only for Dumbledore to make an enemy out of him, he was brokenhearted, and he hoped that he would find a reincarnation of his dead friend or at least of Lily. Harry is little more than a stranger to him, nothing in common with his birth parents aside from the physical features.

One thing did strike the Marauders as odd though, how did Harry know Albus on sight? Sirius stopped and turned his head to look at his godson curiously; Harry returned the gaze with a wolf-like grin while he shouldered his dao sword and walked to the dog animagus.

"Sorry things turned out like this Harry." Harry waved off the apology.

"Honestly, I'm surprised it turned out as good as it did, thought he'd be more of a challenge." His eyes flickered over at the retreading forms of the Order members including Dumbledore. The sun-dried dust of the desert got kicked up in a gust of wind causing Sirius to cough.

"You get used to it, just got to time your breathing is all." Harry said after he slipped an envelope inside Sirius's pocket which didn't go unnoticed by the animagus, Harry mouthed _'later'_ to his godfather with a twinkle in his eye that sparked a bit of hope in the English wizard, maybe there is a little bit of James in him.

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**(1)-Unlike apparating, which the European wizards favor, _tesseracting, _allows one to literally bend the fabric of space. It is a bitch to learn and can be unpredictable but unlike apparating, which is to shove one-self through a wormwhole at the risk of dismemberment, he could tesseract while driving a car and bring it with him as it does not require one to turn on his heel. **

**I hope that wasn't too disappointing ya'll, but I didn't want to reveal how powerful Harry is to Dumbledore just yet. As for one of you (You know who you are) Harry won't meet Hermione for a while but _we _will meet her in the next chapter which will introduce my version of a Hermione who never met Harry.**

**Stay tuned.**


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